What year were you born?
I was born in 1974 in Marin County, CA. My mom was happy that she had “mistakenly” been given a beautiful Italian baby because I had a full head of dark, wavy hair. The day my parents brought me home there was a baby owl in the garden, so my mom associates me with owls.
What was your life like growing up? What dreams and goals did you have for your life when you left High School?
When I was 11 we moved from California to Sun Valley, ID, so I always associate my formative years with living in Idaho. It was a very safe, beautiful, small town with a lot of opportunities for independence as a young person. Outdoor activities were the norm and so I grew up with exposure to a lot of challenging physical and mental experiences that bred a confidence and bravery and sense of capability that I have only recently begun to recognize as special because it was just the norm growing up. That being said, growing up in a small town made me want to live in a big city and be a writer, so I went to college at Columbia University in New York City. My undergraduate class was the same size as the town I grew up in.
Name at least one outstanding experience you have had in your life. How did this or these events affect you?
The outstanding event came from a very dark place. Going to residential treatment for trauma is the best thing I have ever done. Even though I went because of negative events, the positives have been immeasurable and it has set me up to have a beautiful second half of my life. Life can start at mid-life!
When in your life, so far, have you felt most confident and why?
So far, the last 5 years I have felt the most confident. Coming out of a long-term abusive relationship and finding myself again and realizing that I am actually strong and capable and not weak and a failure has made the last few years the best of my life.
Was there a time in your life where you felt ‘stuck’, unable to find the energy or strength to move forward or to make a big change? If so, can you share what it was &/or what helped you get past this road block?
I was stuck in an abusive relationship with the father of my children. It was extremely damaging to the point where I basically stopped functioning beyond any baseline survival mode. I was the definition of stuck. Even though we had broken up, the verbal and emotional abuse continued to the point where I could barely get out of bed. I had only one option and that was to get help for the trauma that had paralyzed my body. It was that or die-either a slow death of the self until I was nothing or actually ending my life to make it stop. Being a parent and wanting to be healthy and present for my kids was the biggest inspiration to get help, but to actually take that step I had to realize that I was worth saving and I deserved to get better.
What is the one piece of advice you would give your younger self?
It is ok to not peak at 15! In fact, you shouldn’t. Life begins when it is supposed to. Sometimes simple is better and success has very different meanings and can look very different. Do not let adult men dictate how you feel about yourself or dictate how you are “supposed” to act and present yourself. All those expectations and demands are about making them feel better, which is not your job. Also, you are super cute!
How have your dreams and goals changed now that you are 40+?
Before, it was just about getting by, now it is about thriving and enjoying life and enjoying the hard mental work of the last twenty years.
Have your core values changed over time? What do you value now?
I value mental and physical health both for myself and my family, as opposed to the flashy success of a big career. I value raising two boys with self-esteem and empathy as core values.
Share an indulgence:
Sleep! Doing nothing!
What is your super power?
Resilience
Can you share what your favourite part of your body is? Why?
I like my abs-thanks to teaching Pilates for 20 years I have a strong core that has rarely let me down.
Do you like being 40+?
I love it!!!!
How has your relationship with yourself changed as you have gotten older?
I like myself better. I am less judgmental of myself and what my life “should” look like. My life is exactly what it is supposed to be.
What advice would you give your future self?
Be kinder to yourself and enjoy all of it! Trust your intuition.
How do you think women of your generation are perceived?
I think, if anything, we might be overlooked. Gen X is sort of an in-between, under the radar kind of generation. We have trudged along raising kids and/or building careers, so now I think it will be about seeing us come out in the world more and be visible in a different way and not just seen as mothers and wives, but as fully- realized women with our own identities, separate from our kids and partners.
Are there any myths you would like to bust about the over 40s? If so, can you tell us about them?
I think this myth is already changing, but life does not end in your 40s. It is just getting going.
What advice do you have to offer to those who are approaching mid life or those that are in mid life and perhaps struggling with it.
Mid-life is another beginning, but the best part is you already have so much more experience and knowledge to enjoy and appreciate this new beginning. The hard work of your thirties and even twenties pays off! And I don’t mean career, even though there is that, I mean the interpersonal, emotional and mental work.
Do you have a favourite book to recommend?
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
How did the 40/40 photoshoot affect you personally?
It was an amazing experience. I was pleasantly surprised by how comfortable the process was (thank you Shawnalee!). It was great to see myself in a new way, since I tend to avoid having my picture taken at all costs. Personally, it gave me the physical, exterior evidence of the interior changes and growth I have felt over the last 4 years and truly over the last 20-new confidence, resilience, self-assurance and presence."
Thank you O’Brien for taking the time to dive deep. There is so much inspiration to glean from your words.