What year were you born? On what date? What day of the week was it? Did your parents tell you anything about the day you were born?
I was born on April 29, 1952, at Mercy Hospital in Gary, Indiana, a Tuesday. My parents were non communicative or angry about most things, including my birth. I have heard from my youngest sister that my mother was depressed when she learned she was pregnant with me. Of course, she was depressed for most of her life, so this is not surprising.
Name at least one outstanding experience you have had in your life. How did this or these events affect you?
The company I worked for provided the opportunity for me to work and live in China for two years. It was probably the most significant experience in my life, particularly after adopting two Chinese girls and being introduced to Chinese culture and people as a result. Living in China provided me the opportunity to breathe and think without anyone questioning my process or motives. It was completely freeing. It was where I first even considered wearing women’s clothing and makeup (which I did but not in public). It was where I could finally be completely at peace with living and being alone.
When in your life, so far, have you felt most confident and why?
Now is the time in my life when I am most confident. For most of my life, I experienced imposter syndrome, as a person and a professional. The self awareness and knowledge I have gained by going through my life transition (note, to me this is a life transition, not simply a gender one) has made me the most confident I have ever felt. This has been confirmed many times by others in their words and attitudes towards me.
Was there a time in your life where you felt ‘stuck’, unable to find the energy or strength to move forward or to make a big change? If so, can you share what it was &/or what helped you get past this road block?
I felt stuck for most of my life prior to my transition. I tried so hard to be a “good” male person. I tried to do all the right things that were expected of me. I hated the people I was expected to hate. I accepted the people I was expected to accept. I had very few close friendships and tended to push people away. This was so soul crushing that I had to take the chance, even if it meant I might lose everything I had built my life upon, to change.
What is the one piece of advice would you give your younger self?
I don’t quite know how to answer this one. On the one hand, I was able to change some lives by doing what I did in my former life, particularly for my daughters. On the other hand, I have deeply hurt people, particularly my wife, with my former lack of self awareness. The only piece of advice I might give my younger self would be to be more open to the world, to pursue self awareness and qualities such as compassion and transparency. It might not have changed anything about my situation or the timing of my transition. However, I would have been much happier and more compassionate toward others along the way.
Present
How have your dreams and goals changed now that you are 40+
40+ really didn’t change me. It took a lot longer than that, like 60+ LOL. Attaining a certain age itself did not change me. Self awareness and realization were the keys to my change. As a result, I don’t know that my dreams and goals have changed that much. I am more comfortable and confident in who I am. Therefore, I believe I can be less about protecting the past and what I have and be more about projecting who I am, the loving, kind, interesting, brilliant, fun, passionate, compassionate, sexy, totally awesome woman who I had hidden all my life.
Have your core values changed over time? What do you value now?
I value people more than ever. Friends. Family, particularly my daughters, although I still struggle with my siblings because they don’t really know nor have taken the time to know the real me.
Share an indulgence:
Focusing on me - like a photo shoot - and portraits - of just ME. Totally alien concept - an indulgence that NEVER would have even entered the closed mind of my past self. Why would a CIS white male who lacked self esteem in his total being ever think to do this?
How do other people describe you or see you?
See my answer to the question above about my 40+ dreams and goals. I didn’t make up those descriptive words. Others tell me that. I run into people on the street all the time who I have met in different contexts. They call my name. And often I have no clue who they are. But they remember me. I still can’t believe this is me, that people seem to be attracted to me.
What is your super power?
I seem to project a presence now that I never had before and cannot explain. This is the theme that keeps running through my new life. I have no other explanation for why this happens so often.
Can you share what your favourite part of your body is? Why?
My smile and my eyes. This is what I am told. That they project confidence, vulnerability, compassion. People seem to be attracted to that.
Do you like being 40+?
I love being 60+. One thing that does sadden me is that I spent so much of my life in cluelessness. There is certainly a part of me that wishes I had more time ahead to be me. But it is what it is - and now I intend to make the most of it.
Has your relationship with yourself changed as you have gotten older? How?
I am more comfortable with who I am. More willing to be a good friend; in fact, I need good friendships now. I often describe my former self in the words of the Simon and Garfunkel song “I am a Rock; I am an Island. And a rock feels no pain; and an island never cries”.
What are you passionate about now? Ie: career, volunteer work, hobbies, how you spend your time. Please describe and include any links that you would like to share. Alternatively, If you are challenged in some way and unable to do what you love/wish to do, please share.
Singing. Yoga, Travel. Walking. Museums and galleries. Live music. Art. Beauty. Reading. Food. New cultures. Politics. Cities. Nature.
I retired at the end of July this year. I hope to do these things that bring me joy more often, as well as volunteering in organizations that promote the things I am passionate about.
Future
What goals/ambitions/dreams would you like to be working on that you haven’t had the opportunity to start on yet?
To truly live as Mary Oliver so brilliantly wrote “what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” I need to uncover and live what that looks like for me.
What would the title of your book be? (this is an interesting one)
Moving from Darkness to Lightness - A Self Exploration
What advice would you give your future self?
Live your joy
Perceptions & Advice
How do you think women of your generation are perceived?
I want to focus on transgender women, especially those who have transitioned later in life here, because that is what I know, where my personal experience lies. I feel that our experiences are often marginalized, not considered real, in the sense of why did it take you so long? What are trying to accomplish with this now? People need to see us and understand the courage it takes to give up your privilege, to finally live authentically at this later time of our lives.
Are there any myths you would like to bust about the over 40s? If so, can you tell us about them?
Everyone is so blown away when I tell them I am 72. I wish this were not the case. It seems like our culture is still so entrenched in ageism and limiting peoples’ horizons simply because of age. Yes, I have a few physical limitations due to health issues that have arisen with age. But I am as much a spirit being as a physical being. And age only strengthens my spirit being.
What advice do you have to offer to those who are approaching mid life or those that are in mid life and perhaps struggling with it.
Be you. Be real. Be authentic. Be grateful. Be compassionate with yourself. You are strong. Find your community who see you and accept you for the beautiful human you are.
Do you have a favourite book to recommend?
Recently I have loved the queer fantasy novels of T.J. Klune. Under the Whispering Door. The House in the Cerulean Sea. In the Lives of Puppets.
Do you have a favourite quote to share?
Mary Oliver’s The Summer Day “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”
How did the 40/40 project experience affect you personally?
The 40/40 project provides the opportunity to capture me at 71. I will never be 71 again. In fact, In fact, I turned 72 in April just after this photo shoot. It will be interesting to have some physical documentation that helps me to look back at this time and reflect - what was I like then? What am I like today? What do I want to be like tomorrow?
Thank you so much Bobbie for sharing! The sentence: ”But I am as much a spirit being as a physical being. And age only strengthens my spirit being.” Is thought provoking: To consider possibilities that go deeper than our physical presence and how age can play a positive role in this aspect.