I grew up in a small town in Oregon, and I wear the “true Oregonian” badge of honor very proudly! Growing up in the 80’s, there was a lot of bike riding, walking to 7-Eleven, camping, rafting, roller-skating in my garage, playing barbies for countless hours with my older sister and friends, listening to music on cassette tapes and performing skits with my sister for our parents to record on our very large, handheld, camcorder. After puberty, I became very self-conscious of my body. I had acne, long-skinny legs, big boobs, and a a little tummy that didn’t go with my toothpick legs. It wasn’t until recently, that I watched one of those VHS home videos of me on my 18th birthday, in a swimsuit, hanging out at my parent’s pool, that I realized I looked pretty damn good.
My husband, Josh, and I met in our early 20’s and quickly made Portland our home. We settled in a tiny house in North Portland where we grew our family from two to three in 2011, welcoming our son, Crew. We always knew that Portland would not be our forever home, as our dream was to have property that could allow for a giant garden, farm animals, a pottery studio for Josh, and a peaceful surrounding to enjoy. In July of 2021, the three of us made the move out to a 3 ½ acre home just 20 miles North of St. Johns.
While our small family was excited to start our new adventure, it didn’t last long. October 2021 hit, and I was diagnosed with breast cancer. As every cancer patient will tell you, the news hit hard and my world immediately felt like it was crumbling. It is an indescribable feeling to be told you have a disease, and one that I would quickly learn has a high rate of recurrence. I started chemo late October and went through five months of absolute hell. It is hard to wrap your brain around putting poison in your body that causes a long list of side-effects, but can also kill the disease that could ultimately be fatal. My family would describe those five months as me physically being there, but not mentally. Like, the light drained out of my soul and I was a shell of a human. They weren’t wrong, it is exactly how I felt. It was a complete mind fuck. After chemo, I had a bi-lateral mastectomy, 25 rounds of radiation, my tubes and ovaries removed and, to-date, three reconstructive surgeries. Being 44, I have too many scars to count, thinning hair and flimsy nails due to chemo meds, neuropathy that doesn’t seem to go away, a body that doesn’t feel like my own, and am menopausal, which also comes with insomnia, mood swings and hot flashes that could catch the bed on fire, but also put the fire out due to all the sweat. And yet, here I am…alive and still putting in the hours to be a wife, a mom, a sister, daughter, friend, an employee, and all those other characters we get to be as a woman.
The truth is, just like my awkward self going through puberty, there is always going to be something that I dislike about my body. And, now more than ever, I work every day on trying to get used to my “new” body. After my breast cancer diagnosis, I knew my body was going to be different. Losing my hair to chemo, going through the bilateral mastectomy and multiple reconstructive surgeries, rounds of radiation, and an oophorectomy, I often look in the mirror and see someone I don’t even recognize. Thinning hair that is wavy, my port scar, tiny small tattoos from radiation, under the boob scarring from my surgery, a long hip-to-hip scar and a perfectly round belly button hole due to reconstructive surgery, and boobs that are now discolored and asymmetrical. But, you know what….I am still fucking here.
Here’s the thing, life isn’t meant to be easy. If it was, how would we learn, grow, and become better humans? Shawnalee asked me during our call, “why did you decide to join the 40 women over 40 photo shoot?” I chose to do this project to help me embrace everything that my body has been through. As a woman, my body started changing as a teenager, first my period, then growing breasts and then getting acne. In my 20’s, I wanted to be thin and look like the supermodels with perfect skin and have their perfect lives. In my 30’s, it was being pregnant, giving birth, breastfeeding, a miscarriage, and a surge of hormones that I couldn’t explain. And, now in my 40’s, entirely new feelings and sensations that I never wanted, or thought, that I would have to experience. I may still be getting used to what my body looks like now, but, I also want to be proud of how far it has gotten me.
Women’s bodies do incredible things, and we are extraordinary. We do not give ourselves enough credit for all that we endure. I want to show up for all the women out there that have never felt comfortable in their own bodies, or that have found it easy to pick apart each flaw they think they have, or feel like their body has given up on them because of a traumatic diagnosis. Women are remarkable humans, put on this planet to be seen as a warrior, as strong, as powerful, as fierce, and show up for all the other women in our lives.
Shawnalee is giving us a platform to tell our individual stories, the good, the bad, the ugly, and now…the beautiful. I cannot thank her enough for this experience. Helping me understand what it means to be proud of my body, hugging me as I wept during my photo reveal, and texting me funny memes to make me laugh. She isn’t just a photographer, she’s an amazing human that wants to give women the power to love ourselves and be a loud voice for our own experiences. She has offered me the opportunity to make me feel like I’m the most beautiful 44 year old that she has ever seen. I am FUCKING fabulous. Thank you, Shawnalee❤️