What year were you born?
The year was 1974 -- Tuesday (Election Day; Democrat Dick Lamm won the Colorado gubernatorial election over the Republican incumbent on that day. He remained governor until the year our family left Colorado for Florida, which was 1987.) I was born in Denver, via emergency C-section after a prolonged and fruitless labor, and apparently my initial APGAR score was bad enough (1, I think my mother said, on a 10-point scale) that the doctors didn’t give my parents any assurances that I’d be a healthy baby after that. As a physician, I now know that this means I required some resuscitation, but the fact that my second APGAR score was 9 is a good sign.
What dreams and goals did you have for your life when you left High School?
I was a hardcore nerd in school -- straight A student, enjoyed most of my subjects. Completely fell in love with psychology when I took an elective course in my senior year of high school. I’d been thinking for years that I’d be a criminal trial attorney -- one of my 7th grade teachers told me I’d make a good lawyer, and I was on the debate team in HS for three years. I went straight into college from high school, all prepared to get my degree in Psychology (with a criminology minor) and then head to law school. Changed my mind about that after my first semester, though, after learning more about what the life of an attorney is really like. Instead I chose to go to medical school to be a psychiatrist, which was a fairly risky choice -- there are no medical folks in my family, I didn’t know any doctors personally, etc.
Name at least one outstanding experience you have had in your life. How did this or these events affect you?
Summers in San Francisco with my father, from age 8-18 (my parents were divorced). Those visits exposed me to so many things -- a huge diversity of humanity, obviously, but also food, theater (saw Les Mis and Phantom there, also Cirque du Soleil in 1991), and art. Wonderful visit with my dad to the modern art museum when I was 17 -- it was an incredibly powerful experience, and the first time I think I’d really been moved by art in that way. My interest in travel, musical theater, art museums and Indian food can all be traced to those summers, I think.
Medical school graduation day was one of the proudest single moments of my life. Not sure I need to elaborate on why. :)
The birth of my second child was particularly special. (When my oldest was born I was sleepy, nauseated and half-blind -- not a magical experience, though one bonding moment a few days after we came home certainly was.) With Elinor, though, I had a scheduled C-section and they let me keep my glasses on (!!). I was alert, NOT nauseated, and courtesy of a complete fluke -- the angle of the light overhead -- I could actually see the incision as it was being made. (Yes, I definitely get that many women would have freaked out about that.) I was so excited, and I watched my daughter be born. Even before my OB commented on her full head of dark hair, I saw it. THAT was a magical experience, and we’ve always been very close.
I’ve also had so many great travel experiences -- top contenders are the cross-country RV trip from FL to WA at age 18, cruise up the east coast of Australia, and our 3 weeks in Italy last year. It’s such an opportunity to learn new things, broaden your perspective -- I struggle with folks whose entire world is wrapped up in their own little town and can’t see beyond it.
What is the one piece of advice would you give your younger self?
“You don’t need to flog yourself so hard to prove yourself worthy. You already are. It’ll take time, but you will learn to trust yourself and others will trust and rely on you because you ARE worthy.”
Present
When in your life, so far, have you felt most confident and why?
Professionally: the last couple of years, as the Chief of Psychiatry for the Oregon State Hospital. I’ve been the Chief since April 2014 and in the last couple of years I’ve seen the fruits of my efforts -- a department whose members are generally happy and engaged, and who recruit their friends to work at OSH. I was recently tapped to be the interim Chief Medical Officer -- whose authority spans Psychiatry, Medicine, Psychology, Social Work, and the 12 different clinical disciplines within Treatment Services, so it’s a HUGE job -- and I feel up to it. And the discipline directors I now supervise are excited to have me there.
Personally: also over the past year or so, since I just don’t encounter the sort of bickering and terrible rifts with my children that other parents seem to find normal with tweens/teens. (For reference, my kids are 15 and 11.) My oldest, Finch, has been comfortable talking to me about struggles with gender and sexual identity, in addition to depression and anxiety. And admits that none of his friends have the kind of relationship with their parents that we have. So I feel pretty good about the job I’ve done so far.
How have your dreams and goals changed now that you are 40+
I no longer really feel a strong desire for a huge, million-dollar home (though there’s still this one floor plan I love) or fancy jewelry or cars or that sort of thing. I’d much prefer to spend my money traveling and enjoying my hobbies, which have recently expanded. I’d like to write more, in particular, and do something with all of the yarn and fabric I’ve got stashed! I haven’t worked out when I’ll be able to fully retire, but I don’t see myself as one of those docs who is still in practice into my 70s and 80s. (That hasn’t changed, mind you.) I could see myself teaching more, though; I’ve never done it as a routine part of my job but I enjoy it and am good at it. I could also envision myself doing some sort of speaking on a regular basis. I’m just not willing to add what would effectively be a part-time job to an already-demanding full-time job, so something would have to change for that to be feasible, and I’m not yet ready to downsize my current work.
Have your core values changed over time? What do you value now?
Not really. In people, I have always valued integrity, empathy, communication, genuineness, and kindness. Socially I value sexual/gender and racial equality and equal access to healthcare, education, and employment opportunities. These days I am far more aware of the dangers of implicit (and explicit) bias, particularly in those who have any sort of power or authority, and the importance of teaching people to think critically and about history and science.
How do other people to describe you or see you?
I have a word cloud! (Photo attached below.) A friend at work went around to my colleagues and asked them to describe me. She edited out any that were less flattering, but she made me a word cloud as a Christmas gift in 2017, and these are the words that were used. There are definitely less flattering ones -- I’m stubborn, fond of my own opinion, etc. -- but in general I think most people would use the kinder versions (determined, decisive). I hope so, at least! :)
What is your super power?
Tenacity. I’m good at planning and seeing something through, and once I’ve set my mind on something I rarely give it up. Being able to see other people’s perspectives helps -- makes me a better communicator and better at bringing people on board. I’m also better than average, it appears, at identifying people’s strengths and helping them find a position where they can flourish.
Can you share what your favourite part of your body is? Why?
My hair! I love being a redhead -- red has this bold, stand-out-from-the-crowd vibe without catching side-eye from anyone, and it both lends and requires confidence. I’ve always aimed for a style that’s professional but not stodgy, and I’m lucky to have hair that is thick and healthy.
If you mean my body below the neck, though: my chest. I always feel feminine and more attractive in something that plays up my assets! :)
Do you like being 40+?
Yes, mostly. Not a huge fan of some of the physical changes -- aches, skin changes, and the like -- but in general, yes. I’m more confident and comfortable than when I was younger, and in a job like mine it’s an actual benefit to be 40+ (people tend not to take a 30-year-old physician seriously).
How has your relationship with yourself changed as you have gotten older?
See above. I’m less likely to second-guess myself or feel like an impostor. (Impostor syndrome is definitely a thing; took me a couple of years to get past it after I was promoted to the Chief role in 2014.) I’m also more able to balance self-criticism with self-kindness and a healthy dose of reality.
Perceptions & Advice
How do you think women of your generation are perceived?
I’m Gen X. We grew up with things like birth control and women routinely in the workplace. We were able to follow the women who broke ground in entering male-dominated professions. So even though not every woman of my generation is a feminist, I suspect that we’d be collectively viewed that way -- though perhaps with less venom than the outspoken feminists of the Boomer or Gen Z crowd. And since we didn’t make waves in the same way the generations before or after us did, and we were the latchkey kids who didn’t grow up with participation trophies (to quote a common sentiment), I imagine we’re viewed as the women who just get to work and get things done without a lot of drama. Except, of course, there’s the whole Karen thing. A prototypical Karen is a woman who’d be Gen X, based on age, so there’s that stereotype of an entitled, racist white woman.
Are there any myths you would like to bust about the over 40s? If so, can you tell us about them?
I don’t even know if the old saw about how you’re “over the hill” at 40+ is still something people believe, but it’s not true! The 40s is where so many women hit their stride. They may have come into their own professionally or finally had the courage to try that thing they always wanted to, or liberated themselves from a crappy relationship and learned to enjoy being themselves, unapologetically and without feeling the need to adjust who they are to better please a romantic partner.
Our brains aren’t even finished developing until our mid-20s, and it takes another decade for most of us to get our feet firmly under us. It’s easier to take risks and really live on your own terms when you’re over 40. Mind you, it’s also much easier when you’re not starting behind the 8-ball -- I’m fully aware that the privilege of being white and very well paid makes it far easier for me to have this perspective -- but even so, that accumulated experience makes a difference.
Advice
What advice do you have to offer to other women who are approaching mid life or those that are in mid life and perhaps struggling with it.
Don’t hold yourself to the standards you set for yourself and your life when you were 18 or 20, or even 30. You’ll change, your relationships will change, and what you find meaning in will change. And that’s 100% normal and okay. It’s okay to grieve for what we’ve lost, but not forever; if you hold on to the past for dear life, you suffer at your own hands. You deserve the same kindness and consideration from yourself that you’d give to your best friend.
Take stock of yourself (these questions are a good start): what do you love? What do you value? What knowledge or wisdom have you gained with those extra years of experience that your younger self didn’t have? What are your particular strengths? Is your life aligned with them? If not: what can you do to get in better alignment? Baby steps are okay, and we don’t learn nearly as much from successes as from failures, so be kind to yourself and take note of the lessons. Then take that baby step. Or maybe a huge leap.
Let go of relationships and behaviors that are toxic and drag you down. (This requires courage and sometimes help from a friend or therapist.) Focus on what – and who – helps you grow and take pride in who you are NOW, not just who you were then.
END