What was your life like growing up? What dreams and goals did you have for your life when you left High School?
I feel like I probably had what most consider a pretty idyllic childhood. We grew up in an affluent neighborhood. But it gave me perspective on the world around me. While I loved all the advantages of that place and it propelled me into a career because of the connections it offered I always knew that place wouldn’t be my forever home. After college I moved west for a temporary assignment and 3 months turned into 6 months turned into 9 months and I just never came back. I fell in love with the left coast - San Francisco, LA, and then Portland. I still go back home and love Chicago but my people are here.
What is the one piece of advice would you give your younger self?
Trust your gut. In my younger years, I so often ignored what I thought to be true. I made excuses for things and for people even when my gut was telling me the truth. For years I gave my energy to the wrong people and emotionally it took its toll. Some days I feel like I’m still learning that lesson but better at trusting my gut today. It’s brought me to the place I am now.
Name at least one outstanding experience you have had in your life. How did this or these events affect you?
The birth of my children. I never wanted to be a mom. Never expected to be a mom. And as they get older, I see they’re the best parts of me and their dad. They have taught me about unconditional love. Being a parent is the hardest but most rewarding thing I’ve ever done.
When in your life, so far, have you felt most confident and why?
It’s been a traumatic and heartbreaking two years. My partner of 20 years and I divorced. I would come to discover more in the years that passed and it was devastating. I have regrets about how we got here, but I’m also at peace with the outcome. At 52, I know who I am, what I need, and the value I bring as a mother, friend, and partner to my relationships. I’m no longer defined by my past relationships and my self-worth isn’t tied to what anyone else thinks or says about me. Getting here has taken a lot of hard work. I’ve got amazing kids, a great network/community, a career, a home, a new partner, and a life that is meaningful. I’ve become my own woman and not just a mom and a wife. And that part is huge. I have learned I get to have my own needs met, and it’s not about just meeting someone else’s. Moving forward I just want to model the behaviors and actions that my kids can look up to and be proud of. i can already see my kids (especially my daughter) have more self confidence and know more about themselves than I did when i was their age. But I feel most confident about who I am now. 50 was really tough to navigate but two years later, I feel like the rest of my life is in front of me, and I get to define what that is, what it looks like, and what I need. And it’s awesome.
How have your dreams and goals changed now that you are 40+?
My divorce changed me. My dreams are different now. The path is actually less clear than it was 5 years ago but also with so many more possibilities. Last fall I took a new job. A big reward kind of job that also comes with equally big risks. And the future of the company is unknown at this point, but I know I’ll be ok. In my 30s (and even my 40s) I'd have been a nervous wreck about this type of unknown, but today I'm like “I'm highly employable so if this doesn’t work it’s because it wasn't meant to and I’ll find something else.” 10 years ago I'd never have said that.
Have your core values changed over time? What do you value now?
Gosh I don’t think they have. At least not the things that matter most. Honesty and truth, compassion, humility and deep and meaningful relationships. I think I’ve always had them. And if the last two years have taught me nothing else, it’s solidified that those values are at the very core of who I am.
How do other people to describe you or see you?
I think most people would say I'll go above and beyond to help and support the people I care about. And that I tend to put everyone else (but myself) first. I think they’d probably say I'm kind, compassionate, and loyal to a fault. I’m rereading this question almost a year later and today I have a new partner and I am starting to see myself through his lens now. He’s told me I’m “Exceptional” but it’s hard to hear someone talk like that. It’s taken me years to accept those types of words about myself, but this go around I'm taking them in differently. Our relationship is so radically different. I don’t know what the future holds but there’s a peace and serenity that surrounds me and us that I’m incredibly grateful for.
What is your super power?
Connectivity and building relationships. I’ve always been the person that brings people together. I have a knack for forging deep, long-lasting connections with lots of people. People joke that I have 1400 FB friends and that I talk to most of them on the reg. That’s obviously an exaggeration, but there’s also a grain of truth to that. Everywhere I go, I meet new and interesting people. It fuels me. I hate the word “tribe” for so many reasons, but I have built a community of people who ground me, challenge me, support me, and make me better. And my favorite thing is when those separate communities blend together and become something more.
Can you share what your favourite part of your body is? Why?
It used to be my eyes. And I still love my eyes. When I was younger, I chose my eyes because I hated my body. I’ve been up and down in weight over the years but until recently I hadn't really been comfortable in my own skin. When I was in 5th grade a girl called me a cow. It stuck with me and shaped me for a long time. I was an athlete in high school but because I wasn’t stick thin I felt fat. Those words still creep into my consicous but I’ve got two kids that I”m trying to protect from the crazy body dysmorphia that I’ve had for most of my life.
Today, my favorite body parts are my arms and legs. They’re strong. I’m not built to be skinny or waify. But I'm really strong. For the last several years I didn’t move my body the way I once had. Not really. We had a pandemic, I drank too much wine, got a divorce, had two knee surgeries including a full replacement, 2 recoveries, changed jobs and the list goes on. My physical well-being took a back seat to other stressors and challenges. But I started back last year. I haven’t lost a single pound but my body composition is changing. I’m gaining back muscle and starting to see the definition. I teach a dance fitness class filled with (mostly) women 40+ and that room brings me more joy than I could have ever imagined. It’s the best way to end a Monday. And I”m humbled that those women (and some men) carve out an hour a week to spend it with me. I’m learning to accept my body for what it is and all that it’s done for me. The struggle is real.
Do you like being 40+?
More than my 40s, I love being in my 50s. I think in my 40’s I was still trying to figure out who I was. I still cared more than I should about what others thought of me, my choices, my looks, etc. Turning 50 has brought on a bit of an “I don’t give a fuck” attitude. If it doesn’t work for me, I’m not as afraid to say that anymore. I’m more grounded and more sure of myself, and I’m learning to let go of some of the insecurities I’ve had my whole life.
Plus…a divorce at any age is hard. But something about it happening at 50 was terrifying. And I was so angry that I was having to start over again. Of course, as the days passed and the healing began to happen, I started to realize that while I’d basically grown up with D - who we in our 50s is so very different from who we were at 29 when we met. And I know many people grow together, but we grew apart - our interests changed, our needs changed and our values seemed to be different. Fundamentally we were no longer aligned. I have learned so much about who I am through that process. While it’s still an unfinished painting - I'm trying not to focus on the past and what went wrong and I'm looking ahead at what my life can be. I’m redefining “must haves” and what kind of people get my time and energy.
How has your relationship with yourself changed as you have gotten older?
Oh man, talk about a long road. Outwardly I think I mostly came across as someone who was confident, self-assured and pretty easygoing. Inside I was filled with self-doubt and uncertainty. Looking back I don’t think I always liked myself. Or maybe more accurately I didn’t value myself. And I didn’t take care of myself. I took care of everyone else because I thought it would keep those people close to me, that if I stopped caring for them, they would leave. Learning the act of self-love and self-care is really hard. And I’m trying to care for myself more these days and allow for some grace when things get hard and I'm not my best self.
Share an indulgence:
Chocolate and Massages. I am hard on my body and being able to afford to get a massage when I need it is a luxury and indulgence. And Dark Chocolate. My kids used to hate it and it was safe to leave around, but they realize the power now and are constantly stealing it from me. 🙂
What goals/ambitions/dreams would you like to be working on that you haven’t had the opportunity to start on yet?
I have a goal of traveling more with my kids. I’m just starting to get to a place financially where this may be more possible. We took them Europe but they were young. Now they’re older and can really enjoy other cultures and experiences in ways they were too young for back then. I want them to see the world. Our little bubble out here in the PacNorthwest is just that. A bubble. There’s a big world filled with so much and I don’t want them limited to what they’re living today. Plus - I’ve also got an idea for a book. It’s part comedy and a whole lot of catharsis. Now it’s time to start writing.
What advice would you give your future self?
Don’t settle for good enough.
It’s ok to be scared and unsure but if something in your life is feeling “fine” or “good enough” it’s time to make a change. I heard a song recently called “Daydream” by Lily Meola and I can’t shake it. It totally resonates with me.
“Darling don’t quit your daydream.
It’s your life that you’re making. It ain’t big enough if it doesn’t scare the hell out of you. If it makes you nervous, it’s probably worth it.”
Embrace failure.
Sometimes failure can lead to success. For the longest time after my divorce, I thought I’d failed. But we also had 20 years together. That’s not nothing. I”m sure I failed him in many ways over the years. But I’m trying to learn from those mistakes and it’s led me to a relationship with myself that’s so much kinder.
And Be Accountable for Your Words and Actions.
Someone I know once said “Words Matter.” And they are right. Words matter. Actions matter. Ii’ve made a lot of mistakes but for better or for worse, I know and the end of the day I can look myself in the mirror and own my behaviors and my choices. The good ones are easy. It’s the not so good ones that really test you as a person.
Apologize When You Are Wrong and Mean It.
It’s hard to look someone in the eye and say you made a mistake. But when your actions cause someone else pain, own that. Say you’re sorry. Say you were wrong and mean it. I’ve let hurt and anger fuel a lot of hurtful words these last few years, and found myself apologizing more than I’d like - and it’s humbling for sure.
“I do like being 40+
But more than 40+
I like being 50+”
How do you think women of your generation are perceived?
Oh, I think women of all generations are underestimated. I think men are attracted to strong women but then resent them for their strength and their successes. We’re damned if we do and damned if we don’t. I think in our socieity as women age, they are “unseen” for a time. And it’s in those moements they really get to reinvent themselves and be exactly who they want to be. It’s only later in life that their struggles, their heroism, their badassery become known.
Are there any myths you would like to bust about the over 40s? If so, can you tell us about them?
Funny you should ask this. I read an article last year from a blog called betternotyounger.com. I had to go dig it up and it’s linked here. I won’t steal from these eloquent words but I'll agree that 40 is just a number. I think I`m so much better now than I was in my 20s and 30s. The 7 myths they bust:
It’s too late to change careers
WRONG, I took a huge leap and while not a change per se, it was a big level up. It may or may not work out - that story is still in progress but it was worth every risk.
Motherhood’s Best Years Are Behind You
I had my youngest at 42. We need to eradicate the word “geriatric” pregnancy from our vocabulary.
You Ought to Be Married Before Turning 40
Well can’t speak to that but I was 36 before I got married.
Youth is Synonymous with Beauty
I call Bull Shit. My son loves to ask people how old they think I am. A horrible trap for anyone on the end of that questions But they don’t typically say 52 and then he proudly shares - “My Mom’s 52, but she looks 39.” Obviously, I pay him for this (ha - he’s 9). But I look in the mirror now and feel beautiful. And I know age is just a number.
Fashion after 40 Equals Boring
Well not sure I’m busting this myth. I’m not taking big fashion risks but I'm not sitting around like Mrs. Roper in my house dress and slippers.
Women Over 40 Have to Accept Hair Issues as a Part of Getting Older
My hair’s different for sure but I’ve found a cut and a look that I can rock.
Menopause Tanks Your Overall Health
I'm not gonna lie. It’s way harder. I’m having to change how I eat, how I exercise, and many other things I’ve always done. People whisper “menopause” like it’s a dirty word (Remember that Rob Lowe scene in St. Elmo’s Fire ). It’s just part of life. And like any other part of life it’s a phase we go through. Is it awesome? NO. But it’s not a death sentence either.
What advice do you have to offer to those who are approaching mid life or those that are in mid life and perhaps struggling with it.
Be kind to yourself. Life is fucking hard. And as women, I think we’re really hard on ourselves. We sometimes carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. We spend our lives caretaking for everyone - our kids, our partners, our bosses, our families, etc. that we forget to take care of ourselves.
You’re enough. For much of my life, I thought I had to “be” someone. And I was constantly trying to prove that I was “enough” for others - for my husband, my employer, my friends, and my family. But who I really needed to be enough for was myself. It’s taken me a long, long time to get here. I still struggle with it, but it’s way better.
Do you have a favourite quote to share?
See the above song lyrics
Is there anything else you would like to add?
This photoshoot was one of the most surprising things I’ve ever done. I was scared shitless. I hated my body at the time, but I saw myself in ways I didn’t expect. I looked strong, fierce and also soft, and loving. I had so many emotions when I got the proofs. And I had so much fun. I have been in marketing and advertising for 25 years. I’ve been in charge of shoots, worked with models but never dared to be on the other side of the camera. But something moved me to get out of my comfort zone and do this shoot. I’ll be forever grateful for Shawnalee. She helped me see what others see. And I found a new way to look at myself.
Thank you Devon for taking the time to share!
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