What year were you born?
I was born in 1974.
It was a Monday at something like 1:50am. My parents never told me much about the day I was born but the night before my mom says she ate chili thinking she could spur on labor with spicy food, that was dedication - making chili in June in Virginia is steamy work! Also, My birthday is 2 days before my mom’s so she said I was her birthday present.
What was your life like growing up? What dreams and goals did you have for your life when you left High School?
Haha. My senior quote was that I was “Going to take over the world after being a back-up gogo dancer.” Neither of them has quite happened...yet.
Growing up I was really independent - a total middle child, I went under the radar with pretty much everything I did til high school when my parents decided I needed rules. That did not go over well. But I feel like I had a pretty typical 80s suburban childhood, when I watch all the classic movies from that time where the parents were pretty absent from kids’ lives except for a lecture or punishment now and again, it seems spot on. My neighborhood was roving gangs of kids, we rode our bikes around, went to the pool all summer, snuck into the woods when we weren’t supposed to, and just did goofy stuff.
I was a quiet rebel in high school, my big rebellion was being goth punk before it was cool to be that way. Reaching my teen years in the late 80s / early 90s in DC was an interesting time given the political climate. I was really cynical and angry but the hardcore scene was a great outlet and I loved going to shows once I was old enough.
I’m not a really outwardly fierce person, but at shows I’ve always been fearless. I could almost always get right up front and spent a lot of time in mosh pits with dudes that were way bigger than my skinny 100 pound (at the time) self. A few years ago I had a bucket list moment where this came back out, I went to New York to see my all time favorite band, The Stone Roses, play Madison Square Garden with my lifelong ride or die. We got floor tickets of course, and I got right up front and ended up in a mosh pit situation with a crowd of drunk English football types. In a mini dress and flats. It was utterly amazing! They were surprised at first but then after a few songs were fully gobsmacked that I could handle myself.
What is the one piece of advice would you give your younger self?
The advice I’d give my younger self is to not let other people dictate what you can or can’t do and to not focus so much on the need for love. I made a lot of decisions based on what other people wanted of me, or thought I should do and I missed out on opportunities that way. I’d tell myself: “Study abroad, go live in New York for a year. If the relationship doesn’t work out, or if who you’re with isn’t okay with those decisions, it’ll be ok. Things will work out if they’re supposed to but don’t skip out on the opportunity to do something adventurous that will potentially change your life. If someone wants to hold you back, it’s for their own selfish needs and it’s probably a good sign to walk away anyhow.”
Also, be ok with not being perfect, don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it and take a few risks; the rules tend to bend pretty far before they break.
Name at least one outstanding experience you have had in your life. How did this or these events affect you?
Travel, always travel. Meeting people experiencing from the outside how people live their lives somewhere totally outside your own experience is always outstanding.
Dancing in the streets with strangers in Paris to Jackson Five
Getting drunk in a beach bar with dive crew in Thailand
Meeting Nagasaki survivors in Japan and hearing their stories, and having them give my kids kimonos.
Sailing across the Pacific on an aircraft carrier and spending the week learning about every detail of how the ship works and what happens on a deployment. Standing feet from fighter jets launching off the deck and feeling the rumble through every fiber of my being.
Being in a crowd of people at a show in London and falling in love with the person standing next to you who lives a continent and an ocean away.
In travel there is always something outstanding and altering, it’s like throwing a rock into the stream of your life and altering the course every single time.
When in your life, so far, have you felt most confident and why?
Ironically, the most confident I’ve felt was after my divorce. My ex left me after almost 18 years of marriage and 20 years together, just shy of my 40th birthday. I was completely blindsided by it. I always thought we were going to be one of those couples like in the interludes in the movie “When Harry Met Sally” that were forever loves, and when it wasn’t actually that it felt like my world had fallen apart.
I was broken down emotionally, after what I later realized was years of a horribly co-dependent relationship and a few years of very subtle emotional abuse. I had been a stay at home mom for 8+ years at that point too so I had very few job options. I was completely terrified.
But, I decided I wasn’t going to let it roll me under. Some part of it just lit a fire in my belly and at first my best way to fight back was to be successful and as always, overachieve.
Thanks to some amazingly supportive friends and making some great connections, I started therapy, got a job - a really good one at a digital agency - learned social media marketing in a matter of months, negotiated a pretty solid divorce settlement where I got to keep my house, adjusted to co-parenting, and started dating for the first time in my life at the age of 40. After that first year and handling all those changes, I had confidence like never before. I felt strong, sexy and like nothing could stop me. Even now, when I feel insecure about something, I look back at that and can say to myself, “Damn, if you can do all that, why is this getting to you??”
Present
How have your dreams and goals changed now that you are 40+
Now that I’m in my 40s I feel like my measure of success has changed. In my teens, 20s and 30s it was all about having love and that was my measure of success. Now it’s about having a solid career and opportunities, it’s about financial stability so I can be self sufficient, send my kids to college and retire. Right now, my goals are to drive my own success and forge a path for myself. To be a good role model for my kids, which means dealing with my own issues so they don’t come out sideways in my parenting, be present for my friends and make good decisions around what I do and don’t have the energy for. It’s about a longer game than it was 10 or 20 years ago. In my 20s and in my 30s I didn’t really have long range plans, I was just letting life happen around me. Through my 40s I’ve realized that a solid game plan is important and manifesting that for yourself is even more key.
Have your core values changed over time? What do you value now?
I’m not sure if my core values have changed but how I approach them has changed. Relationships have always been the most important thing to me, but the kind of relationship I value is way different. Before it was all about romantic love. Now I realize that it’s the friendships that really count, the people that are with you through it all. Your ride or dies. It’s about having those people in your life and keeping them close which means showing up and making sure there’s reciprocity in that showing up.
I value healthy communication. It’s a struggle for me, I didn’t grow up with good role models for this, so it’s something I have to work on. Communicating my own needs and talking issues through in a healthy way, which also requires listening and not always being right.
How do other people to describe you or see you?
It probably really annoys my kids, but my friends tell them a lot what a badass their mom is. I’ve seen some eye rolls to this, to them I’m just mom.
At various jobs, I’ve been called the glue. People describe me as strong, I don’t really see myself this way necessarily, I see my strength as just doing what I need to to get by. Many, MANY other women have dealt with way more than I have and under much harder circumstances, with way more barriers. But my goal is to hear what other people say about me, and see myself through others’ eyes; it helps when the impostor syndrome kicks in and the voice in the back of my head says you can’t do this, you’re not good enough. Fuck that. I can do most things if I’m passionate about it and it counts enough.
What is your super power?
Getting to the front at shows.
Also positivity, there’s usually something good to find in even the most challenging scenarios. The trick is finding that silver lining and focusing on that instead of getting completely rolled by negativity.
Can you share what your favourite part of your body is? Why?
My legs. When I was a kid, like 10 years old, it was when Tina Turner had her resurgence in the 80s and I remember how people would talk about the fact that she was 40 and how good she still looked. Seeing her in a leather miniskirt belting into a mic her legs extended and all muscle, I remember saying to myself “I want to have legs like that when I’m 40”. My legs have always drawn attention, so it’s felt good that I’ve lived up to keeping them in better shape than I even thought they’d be.
Do you like being 40+?
Yes. It’s honestly been the best decade of my life. I’ve grown the most, become the most comfortable in my own skin and in my own head, and feel more like who I’m supposed to be.
How has your relationship with yourself changed as you have gotten older?
I’ve become more comfortable with who I am and what my limits are. I can enjoy things just for the sake of enjoying them, without having to be good at them or do them perfectly. Conversely I know when something I’m doing really isn’t a good fit, and when to say, this isn’t working and something needs to change. I’ve become more forgiving and flexible. Parenting has definitely taught me patience and flexibility!
Future Aspirations
“I want to learn something new, like to play the piano or tennis. I think learning something new at this point in my life, the pressure of having to be a virtuoso or star athlete is off so it can purely be for the joy of it. I want to re-learn French so that when I go back to France I can actually have conversations with locals. “
What advice would you give your future self?
Remember to not stop moving!
My next door neighbor is 85 years old and that’s what she says her secret is, to just keep moving. If you start sitting still, then it’s over. Also, you’re as young as you feel in your mind, not how young you look in the mirror. That spark of vibrancy shows through no matter the number of candles on your birthday cake.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------
Perceptions & Advice
How do you think women of your generation are perceived?
I have some serious issues with how my generation is perceived overall. Gen X is the forgotten generation between Baby Boomers and Millennials. It’s like we don’t even exist! We’re just “old” so we’re boomers. But my generation did so much for feminism that we’re not recognized for: the Riot Grrl movement for example, fighting for women’s health, paid maternity leave, a seat at the corporate table. We opted out and then had to opt back in with great obstacles facing us. We kept feminism alive while millennial women considered it an ugly or outdated concept; until November of 2016. We’re the first generation to large-scale be in seats of power and we had to navigate a lot of bad behavior to get there.
Are there any myths you would like to bust about the over 40s? If so, can you tell us about them?
I think in general women are busting myths about life being over once you’re in your 40’s just by being extraordinary and staying healthy and continuing to grow. The biggest myth I’ve found not to be a myth at all, is the one about your sex drive. Seriously, it’s not a myth! Not only are women in their 40s in their sexual prime, but the fact that we’re more comfortable with ourselves and who we are makes us even sexier. We know what we like, we’re comfortable talking about it, we’re in tune with our bodies and have a different level of self possession that goes along with it, creating an allure that’s different than the brazenness or shyness of youth.
What advice do you have to offer to those who are approaching mid life or those that are in mid life and perhaps struggling with it.
For those approaching midlife, i’d say live this up, most of the negative myths about your 40s are just based on our obsession with youth culture. You’re as youthful as you feel in your head and if you’re focused on your health and well being, your 40s are even better than your 20s or 30s because you’ve figured a lot more out.
For those struggling with it, be gentle on yourself, talk it out. We all struggle, there’s no perfect time in your life and memory can gloss over a lot of cracks and fissures to paint a better picture.
Do you have a favourite book to recommend?
I’m a fan of fiction, I love the escape and the impressions a good novel can leave in your mind. “Beautiful Ruins” By Jess Walter is one I’ve read in the last few years that really grabbed me. It’s a sweeping love story that spans decades. It’s the story of lives falling apart and coming back together. Of how we can save each other and shouldn’t give up.
Do you have a favourite quote to share?
“When life gives you lemons, you paint that shit gold”
It’s actually the name of an album by Atmosphere, but the first time I saw it, it was on the rear windshield of a car in a gas station parking lot in Idaho on a road trip at a pivotal time in my life. All I could do when I saw it was laugh and say to myself “Hell yes”
Is there anything else you would like to add?
I feel like I’ve written a novella! There’s tons more I could say but the only thing left is to show some massive gratitude for this project existing. THANK YOU!
END